Once again, i joined the fine folks from Locust Moon for a disturbing snacks investigation. With me were Chris Stevens, Josh O’Neil and Andrew Carl. It was hot, it was stormy, and the south, despite its overtly pleasant demeanor hides an underbelly covered in grease and beer suds.
At first, i foolishly believed this would be a fairly snack-lite convention, as it is a bit out of the way, as far as conventions go, and the crowds appeared to be more laid back, less ravenous.
That was until, and you might not believe this, i discovered there was some sort of underground BBQ/mexican cuisine comics orgy occuring on the final night. I convinced Locust Moon to join me on the investigation, and what we saw, was frankly disgusting.
Like a scene out of a late 90’s Kubrick film starring Tom Cruise, i found myself at “Heroes Aren’t Hard to Find”, the comic shop responsible for Heroes Con, and there, all the comics professionals gathered in brainwashed masses, waiting in lines that snaked around the store, for an sickening variety of fried cheese balls and pork, chicken and fish tacos.
I looked around me, was everyone OKAY with this? The Gluttony on display was horrifying, but then, even my compatriots from Locust Moon had lost themselves in the ecstasy of snacking, and i saw them stuffing pinto beans into their mouths with abandon.
It took almost all my persuasive abilities to bring them to their senses.
I must confess though, even i had a moment of weakness this weekend. When in a drunken stupor, i consumed 8 boxes of lean cuisine with Josh O’Neil. The morning after, i knew i had lost control again. Those who join me in my ongoing struggle against BIG SNACK, take heed, we will also be weak, we will also struggle, but we must never give up.
There are casual snackers, there are dedicated snackers, but most cartoonists won’t outright betray their industry for snacks. But BIG SNACK has fat pockets, and every once in awhile, one of us starving artists wants to get fed, and BIG SNACK is only too eager to enlist one of us.
Jason “JFish” is one of those sad, disgusting traitors. He is a propagandist, one look at his etsy page, and you can see all sorts of shameless snack promotion. If it’s not erotic lizards eating cake, it’s illustrations of nation-states made of snacks themselves. Its as if Jason is boldly declaring, all your base belong to snacks. And it sickens me.
Jason is a talented artist, and if he wasn’t looking for the easy paycheck, he could be drawing thoughtful black and white coming-of-age dramas like Blankets. I’ve only had Blankets on my shelf for about 4 years, never read it, but a quick browse through it’s billion pages showed little to no snacking. But instead, he’s laughing all the way to the bank, as BIG SNACK infiltrates our hearts and souls through his deceptively delicious images.
By combining erotic art with snacking, he aims straight at a man’s loins. Everyone knows the way to a man’s loins is through his stomach. In this image, a ruben-esque figure, reclines in a garden of eden, with a Burger for a head. I consider myself lucky, that i’m not ignorant to the nefarious intentions of Jason & BIG SNACK, because as a man who rather enjoys a rotund woman from time to time, and enjoys a burger almost once a week, this is almost an irresistible image. I’d go Boyz II Men on this woman, if she was real. I’m sorry, i’ve lost my composure. Don’t you see how easy it is, to be seduced by these illustrations?
Snack-Book as a responsibility, to be on the watch for gummi-snakes in the grass. Jason “JFish” is a SNACK FASCIST, here to lull us into snack complacency. I leave you with this quote -
"First they came for breakfast,
and i didn’t speak out because i wasn’t eating breakfast
Then they came for lunch,
and i didn’t speak out because i wasn’t eating lunch
Then they came for dinner,
and i didn’t speak out because i wasn’t eating dinner
They they came for me,
and there was nothing left to eat with me”
Can dinner be a snack? It depends on your definition of a snack. If you’re a man like me, sometimes i eat a pre-meal before a meal. Appetizers are like snobby snacks, food that is so self conscious and ashamed of its true nature, that it runs around trying to pretend it’s something bigger than it is. Going around calling itself “antipasto” or “hors d’oeuvres”. So i don’t mess around with them. If i’m gonna eat before i eat, i’ll just order two main courses.
But some people, can’t even handle one. According to sources present during a meal following the successful Asbury Park Comic Con in the not so successful city of Asbury Park, Chris Stevens, owner of Locust Moon in Philly, ordered a meal he did not eat. Witnesses state that he ordered a pasta & seafood plate, that others also ordered, but was seen to just stay untouched throughout dinner. “Appetizers” i.e. SNACKS, were served, Calamari and Bruschetta, which were all enjoyed (Except for me, i hate squids). Perhaps this ruined his meal? Perhaps he was too engaged with conversation?
Chris Stevens could not be reached for comment.
I grew up watching Popeye, he is maybe one of the earliest cartoons i remember watching. And it is one of the most important series of cartoons, that placed snacking as it’s focus.
Popeye, he is what he is. But when he is faced with challenges, that only brute strength can solve, he always remembers, you are what you eat. Spinach is what Popeye would snack on, and following every wonderful scene of him cleverly opening a can of spinach, he would consume its contents in one gulp, and some image of an engine or locomotive would appear on his biceps. Then he’d unleash a barrage of punches upon his enemy, Bluto, that would surely slay the foe.
Contrasted against Popeye’s hyper-masculinity, was the doughy J.Wellington Wimpy. Wimpy, as he’s commonly known, had a love of burgers that knew no bounds. Only until the character of Jughead (more on him, later), would burger eating reach such stratospheric heights. But while Popeye was saved by healthy strength-giving spinach, burgers were often the source and solution of Wimpy’s problems.
Popeye was truly ahead of its time, advocating snack responsibility before it was hip and sexy. Below, is my favorite Popeye video:
BREAKING NEWS -
This is happening NOW! Over on the underground, cartoonist’ social networking website, known as “facebook” (no relation to snack-book!), cartoonist and brave american, Zack Soto, is making a stand against VOODOO Donuts.
Zack Soto, who can often be found, only blocks away from Voodoo Donuts, at Floating World Comics, has stated that “They’re just regular old tasty doughnuts!” One must admire the bravery this takes, for a man, who has so much to lose, to scream into the portland night, that a snack just isn’t cutting the mustard!!!! He also criticizes those who wait in line for such a snack, comparing them to addicts! Everyone knows sugar kills, and it is indeed a sad sight to see, young americans just drowning their sorrows in sweets. I must admit, i snack too often myself. Just today, i ate Ben & Jerry’s Boston Cream Pie ice cream, plantain chips, french fries and a oreo mint milk shake. It’s hard for me to admit, but i might have a problem myself. Someone help me.
But Zack’s example, galvanized many other cartoonists. Out of the wood work they crawled, posting scathing reviews, that Voodoo donuts are ‘dry’ and ‘stale’. Will there be a retaliation? Voodoo is an often misunderstood carribbean religion, but the legend of the Zombi originates there. Zack may be antagonizing with forces beyond his control.
I pray, that the cartoonist community is strong enough to weather whatever sick sick sick shit may be visited upon it.
You heard it here first on Snack-Book.
*UPDATE* - Matt Fraction weighs in on twitter! He stands with Zack Soto! This casanova won’t be courting any favor with BIG SNACK!
And indie sensation Sloane Leong (no relation to ongoing Tim Leong investigation) accuses me of being dead.
Sometimes, i don’t know a person’s real name and i don’t know what their snack is. This is one of those times. If a person’s online name is “Bigglesticks McMurphy”, i’ll meet them at a con and be like “Oh hey Bigglesticks!” And they’ll tell me “My name is actually Rebecca.” This is where i find myself with Pupcake and her snack.
But a real journalist doesn’t let an obviously fake cover identity get in the way of the truth. At first, i was thrown for a loop. Wouldn’t you assume that a person named Pupcake would love to eat cakes made of puppies? A disgusting but common desert in the seedier parts of LA. But i hit the stacks, and was glad i invested in that 62 volume wikipedia set. I don’t know how they get all that information in those books, but i only had to pay $30 a volume for PRICELESS knowledge. Worth it!
Anyway, i pulled out volume “MAN-MAS” and discovered that the Marcona Almond is an “almond cultivar, is recognizably different from other almonds, and is marketed by name. The kernel is short, round, relatively sweet and delicate in texture.”
I dunno, but an almond is an almond to me, and i was beginning to think she had me going on a wild goose chase. Next time, i’ll start with her name, and find out who Ms. Jones really is.